We were at a lake exploring. I and three of my younger grandsons were getting the lay of the land. The older grandsons weren’t along because they’re old enough to know everything. The older ones wonder how I got to be so old when I’m so stupid. The smaller grandsons and I saw two ducks on the lake near the shore. We started discussing how we might catch and eat them. They looked pretty slow and not very smart, but plump and tasty. Lucas opted for a stick to whack them. Matthew wanted to jump in and grab them. The boys were all confident we’d have duck for dinner. Lauren, my granddaughter, came over to where we were plotting. She looked at the ducks. “Oh, look. They’re in love.” We all just stared at Lauren in disbelief. She had a little smirk on her face as she took off after a butterfly. She completely destroyed a perfect man moment. She humanized our quarry and made us think we were evil playing at destroying it. We wandered off with a little less machismo. We males learn eventually that the mere presence of a girl changes our behavior. The talk becomes less coarse. Guys pretend to be a little more civilized. We also pretend to be the alpha male that can lift a Buick while simultaneously defusing a nuclear warhead. Lauren instinctively civilized us guys for a moment and enjoyed doing it. Lauren is not the only girl to do that. Many a man-moment has been ruined by a girl. If you’re old enough to remember “Dennis the Menace” you know Margaret ruined the games in every installment. This has happened since forever. Archeologists have found evidence that cave men were civilized by their women. Two of them were named Fred and Barney. Is there something in the X chromosome that enables girls to control boys? Animals have a homing instinct from birth. Is it a girl instinct to civilize and control boys? Is that why girls often choose the bad boy? Do they have the predisposition to train them? Maybe it’s cultural indoctrination. I bet at birth the nurse and new mother start educating the newborn girl. Could it be that all those girl moments are really training sessions on how to control and civilize males? Maybe it’s a club that all girls are required to join. I’ve watched for a secret handshake, but haven’t picked up on it yet. I’ve unsuccessfully tried to track my wife when she’s shopping to see if she goes to a secret room in a secret lodge. I think the terms “mani and pedi” is a coded call to arms. All the time you hear girls talk about going for “a mani and pedi”. That’s got to be a code because nothing else makes sense. A woman actually told me it means they have someone work on their feet, but that’s too weird to be true. Maybe girls carry a secret potion that numbs a man’s mind and get it off of hunting and napping. If they do, I doubt if they have it FDA approved. Don’t believe me? Just go in a home décor store. Look at the number of men there. Most have no idea why they’re there. They’ve been persuaded and controlled to do something very anti-male. The same goes for the guys seen outside a ladies changing room holding a purse. They all have a blank, almost drugged, look on their faces. I just looked in on Lauren and the boys playing. Lauren is pretending to be a shopkeeper. The boys are standing quietly and are holding toy guns. They have a blank look on their faces. I asked Lauren what they were doing. “I’m a shop keeper and they’re guarding me.” She said. I feel myself becoming very relaxed.
Published on  June 15, 2015